Lavender Nights

Here I am welcoming tonight from the sparkling Bosphorus Bridge… I feel like I’ve been here before… And I have. But I was passing by like a blur and my thoughts were miles away with you…

Tonight I rediscovered myself… I feel… I feel like the full moon… On a night as bright as this we need to watch the stars or just take a stroll around the magical city that we are in. All of us have our own version of The City… Our city… The place we feel like we belong to. But in reality only some of us feel home in The City.

Lavender nights with stars as bright as your eyes when you’re singing. Will you dedicate the purple skies to me? Will you leave your city behind?

Why am I here? Empty old ships anchored down, captains going the wrong way… What is the purpose of these ships on seas that don’t reach you? Airplanes like shooting stars at night… what is the purpose of flying when I can’t even see you?

“You can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway,

You’re half the world away,

You’re half the world away”

 

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Liquid Courage

Paint me a picture

Let your branches reach my leaves

Let me embrace you like the sea

Let the sun touch my cheeks

Let the rain wash all of our worries

Let the waves carry me home

Let the time flow till I reach you

Let me open my eyes and see you

Paint me a picture… make sure it’s dedicated to me

Words… his words… was like a million tiny blood cells gathering at one point to give me this extraordinary feeling…

My liquid courage… Coffee. Blackest of black. Strong like me, bittersweet like life.

He read poetry, he read… and I listened. He read and I fell in love all over again… everything else felt meaningless. He read and I was lost… He read slowly, tenderly and whisper like… He read and I was lost and found at the same time. He read the words of others like his. He shared his passion with only ears eager to listen to his gentle voice. He read to minimise his dark thoughts.

He read ‘l’art pour l’art.

 

 

Dear Heart-breaker

Dear Heart-breaker,

I realized that you never know who’s going to leave an impact in your life. Good or bad, people influence us. You have influenced me mostly good but lastly bad. I know I can’t just forget the good memories and think of the one bad thing that happened at the end… But you can’t just judge me by saying I disgraced our memories… you led me to do the things I never thought I’d do. Crazy things… mostly bad but were all fun (while it lasted).

You have taken more than you have given me. Firstly my heart then my time… lastly my happiness. So tell me, how will I make up to my youth? How will I get back what you stole?

Why do we call this confusion “love”? All it does is control our minds. Pushes us further away from our dreams. What happened to you following me where I’d go? Why are you the one that left? I guess my dreams were too crazy for you… but you know what? My dreams are mine for a reason… I couldn’t have accomplished them with you anyway… So thanks! Thank you for giving me a chance to realize I’m worth more than what I was with you… Thank you for breaking my heart…

 

 

 

Waiting

Waiting here outside in the rain so late,
Trying to figure out why you don’t get it,
It’s been two whole months I’m trying to say it,
Two whole months…. I’m trying to say it….

With you or without you,

I will continue living through,

With you… My heart doesn’t ache.

Without you… My life is fake.

I’m waiting outside your door,
Waiting for you to give more and more,
Hoping that you still care,
Where’s the old you? This isn’t fair!

This isn’t the place I met you,
This isn’t the place I walked through,
I’m walking down,
Down the street, feeling down,
Maybe I’ll get to see the moon,
It’s a dark night ending too soon.

I’ve been telling you,
Everything isn’t you,
I don’t want you back,
It’s time for me to pack…

Once again sitting in the park we met,
That unforgettable night, the rain left us wet,
Now I’m back home day-dreaming,
Waiting for you to call, breaking and crying,
I’m still outside waiting for you to come,
But no, I want you, not anymore…

(Poetry mash-up from 2010)

Thoughts

How can I sleep when my mind is awake in daydreams and not after midnight thoughts… I turn right, I turn left… I hum an old song and wonder if it is insomnia… I toss and turn a little bit more but no avail… I still have you in my thoughts.

I envy the moon who knows, all your after midnight thoughts…

I’ve been thinking… when was the last time I watched a sunrise? It’s been too long. Just like how it’s been long since I smiled genuinely.

I don’t know how sunsets became part of my monotonous life but I hate goodbyes… maybe if I welcomed a new day I’d feel better!? But the sun promises me… promises to return ever so brightly every… single… day. Maybe it isn’t a goodbye after all…

So tell me love… how can I get rid of your thoughts when all I ever wanted was to remember them?

 

 

Numb

Where am I? The sheets are cold and I can’t move a muscle… Perspiration all over my skin… Worry in my eyes, scanning everything around… Heart beats quickening… Swallow the less crazy words before you scream out the real crazy questions…

Do you ever wake up numb?… Like you’re chained to your bed… Like you don’t belong to that place… Like someone dragged you there in the middle of the night… But I live alone!

When will I start waking up sane? When will this pain between my lungs disappear? I lose hope with every other faded sunrise… When will I leave this dark place?

How many more hours of operation does it take to mend a broken heart? Please tell me… will I get better? Some said, “Share your worries with the seas.”… Why can’t I feel better when I’ve been screaming my worries from mountain tops?!

Another day… another feeling of not belonging to your own hometown… When will I leave this sickening place? Shut doors and oxygen masks… When will I hear the birds?

Yellow flowers by my bed… Is there a visitor? No… It’s not for me… It’s for the girl in this hospital bed trying to fight her demons… I’ve already lost that battle…

Seagulls of Istanbul

If you’re in Istanbul, by the coast and looking for a friend (mostly to share your bagel), I’m here for you. It only takes one piece to call me. Seagull is my name. I’m more of a fish kind of  bird but you know, a bagel or two won’t hurt.

Remember how your mother used to say, “A little bird told me…” Well that’s us, apart from catching thrown bagels mid-air in style, we also transport important gossip.

The Bosphorus is always blue… it has many shades of blue during the day and at night but my favorite shade is at 3 in the afternoon… want to know why? Simply because around at 3, the sea welcomes more ferries and therefore the chances of me getting a piece of bagel increases.

Tourists are always lost. Especially when they don’t know how to feed me bagel! They have to learn the Turkish culture… All they do is take pictures and not share their bagel… What a waste of time in their tour.

I just love how those little kids watch me glide by their ferry… makes me feel like I’m giving a performance. I especially love this person writing my story because even if she has never shared her bagel with any of us… I’m sure next time she will.

Once again reminding you.. If you’re by the coast and you have a bagel, please share it with us!