Word Stealer

Drawing lines on words.  Underlining words. Changing words. Adding words. Erasing words. Filling crosswords. You were good at all these things.

But above all, you were the best at one thing… Stealing words that weren’t yours.

Every word I learned, you added another one to the end each time. You taught me how sentences could be both senseless and so much more meaningful when found between the lines. You helped me see when all the letters changed places. You were there when I decided I didn’t wanted to hide anymore. But it was your words against mine at some point. You double crossed me and I made sure you regretted it.

If you’re a crossword puzzle then I am a maze.

The word was out that you left town. I was both happy and sad. Why? Simply because I was half expecting that it wasn’t true. You wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye… or would you?

The next week I saw you enter the bakery. I decided to walk past it before you saw me but unsuccessful… you called my name. I tried walking away but you pulled my forearm just in time. I had an angry expression and you had a sheepish look. You asked if I was alright but I didn’t reply. You asked if I was mad at you but I didn’t reply. You asked if I missed you and I laughed at your face. You were startled by my audacity. After a few seconds of silence I said, “Why did you come back?” and you lied, “To see you.”… I smiled and said, “Good, you can go now.” You stayed.

To everyone’s surprise I was the one who left town to never return… and I’m sure your side of the story is more true because tales always stay to live even if the hero leaves…

Ferris Wheel

Autumns were never your favorite. You hated the smell of dried leaves and I always loved crushing them under my feet. One time you mentioned how cinnamon on top of your coffee was the only thing you liked about autumn. You also kept reminding me that winter was your favorite season even though you had a very dry skin. Unlike my minor hate towards winter, you somehow made me not so hate it that year.

One winter morning we met for breakfast at our favorite brunch place. It was the first week of the snow fall and every table was occupied except the one in the corner. After we ordered our food you asked if I was free in the evening. When I gave you a puzzled look you simply said you had tickets to the festival. I laughed because I haven’t seen you smiling like that before.

We agreed on meeting near the ferris wheel. You were late. I was half worried about you and half angry at you because the weather was freezing cold. I was leaving when I saw you walking towards me with a bouquet of flowers.Daffodils… I haven’t seen you nervous like that before. The way you were searching for words were worth writing about. You said that the daffodils were for making me wait and that this was the last time that I’d wait ever again. I really wanted to believe like I didn’t believe the view up from the ferris wheel.

In the summer you said you had big news. We met near the library. Your eyes were shining with happiness and I was getting more curious by the minute. I still wish you never said those words… the words were big like the news itself… so big it crushed my heart… you were leaving… you were moving to another continent… at the time I was being selfish but I couldn’t help. We were so close and distances were threatening our so-called companionship… and the worst thing was you were so happy I couldn’t say those three little words…

Please don’t go…

New Life

It was the 31st of December 2010, a magical day that changed everything in my life. The moment I stepped out of the airport, the weather was ice cold. The silence of my loneliness in a huge city like Istanbul, that was something new. I never knew how much I loved Jeddah until I left. Yes I left home, I had to, with all the friends & memories left behind. The memories that kept me alive, the memories that made me the person I am today.

I had no clue what it was like to live in Istanbul. I had no idea how the people would treat me. Spending every summer was nothing, living here is completely different. I was pretty excited in the beginning but I knew I wasn’t ready to continue my life here. I wanted to go back, go back home, but it was too late. Every second I spent without my father was pushing me towards depression.

Days & months passed by, but nothing, I repeat, nothing brought back the happiness I once had back home. The local school didn’t accept me, I lost a year. It was much more than that, I felt abandoned in this world. Everything was going the wrong way but I never gave up. I knew all of this would just be something to laugh at, maybe after few years.

I was wrong, it was never funny, but it taught me a lesson. I was never this patient before. I made new friends in my new school. They called me “weird” but they were beyond that to me. I just had to get used to it. It took them more than six months to discover the real me. My silence was better than the artist they know now.

People moved on but I never gave up. Every now & then I showed them the bright side of me. But beneath all the talent, all the glamor, I’m still that quiet little girl waiting to be discovered. Life is cruel but if you respect my difference, we’ll get along peacefully.

December 2012

Our Gamma Maze

I met you in the winter of 2011. We weren’t very fond of each other at the time. We kept on discussing matters and disagreeing every time. At the time I thought we’d never be friends like that but ironically we were inseparable by the summer. We planned on meeting up but it was cancelled last-minute and so was my dreams. The more we talked, the more I started writing poems. In other words you were my source of inspiration.

Roses aren’t that beautiful without their thorns,

As the thorns protect them from predators,

Eyes only see pureness and an urge to kill,

Death has never been this heart-breaking or unfair.

Where are we now after 5 years? Continents apart. If I’d known going after my dreams meant being apart, I would’ve reconsidered most of my choices. Nowadays it isn’t that hard to keep in touch but what about the 9 hour time difference? Every day we don’t reminisce the old days, I feel like we are being forgotten by each other. What is time to a 5 years old child? What is the past to you? What is regret to me? In an infinity shaped maze there’s so many possibilities of me running into you. But what is the meaning of infinity when ours is just a gamma going into two different paths?

611

All The Questions That Are Damaging My Sanity

How could you forget? How could you forget our happiest memories? How dare you replace our happiness with misery?
Why would you give up that easily? Why did you leave? I don’t even remember the reason.
I bet you had quite the reason to leave on that cold winter morning.
I bet you planned your big escape from months ago.
I bet you were sick of trying to reach me.
Everyone has their pace… and most importantly this isn’t some race.
I don’t understand why you felt like you had to reach me.
I know I had some other length but don’t we all?
Don’t we all walk our own distances to reach our goals?
Was I a goal to you? Was this some kind of who gets the girl?
Even thinking about it makes me sick. I really doubt that I knew the real you.

Why did you leave? Why did my heart get so cold? Did I ever make you unhappy? Was I selfish? What is that one thing you never talked to me about and somehow lead you to leave? Just tell me.

I know I’ve done mistakes but I really would like to know what they are. I want to fix us. I’m not sure if we are an ‘us’ anymore but I’d like to try my chances. Isn’t that what life is? We try even though we know we’ll fail. We try to make others happy. So it seems that I couldn’t make you happy. Maybe that was what was bothering you all along. But why? Why didn’t you tell me anything? Why didn’t you complain? Where is the honesty in our relationship? Or what’s left of it… Honesty… I always was honest with you. I deserved your honesty too.

If you love someone, you can fix things. It’s easier to fix a relationship than adjust to a new one. Getting to know someone new can be fun, I know that, but keeping a relationship steady for a long time is hard, the result can be sort of like playing slots… It’s all about luck… and we lost the gamble called ‘love’…

Letters to Love

Dear Darling,

I could write about you pages of pages… I could love you pages of pages… and write in small font so the pages last… and then hide the written letters between books so no one reads them…

When we first met, you told me that even if you had to you wouldn’t leave… I felt sad, you were compelled to feel like you had to make a choice because of me. I said, “You can go”, and the next words just came out of my mouth even though my heart wasn’t agreeing with my mind, I said “I’ll wait for you” deep down I felt it was the right thing to say and do. “I can’t leave” you said, I held you tightly so that your eyes would never know that much grief again… “I’ll wait for you”… I promised… without mercy for my tears… without knowing what the hell longing for someone felt like… I promised… I didn’t listen to my heart anymore because it now belonged to you… I couldn’t hear it’s screams from afar… maybe it was telling me “Give up” or maybe it was trying to convince me with words like “He’s doing fine, don’t worry”. Whatever it takes my heart loved him… I loved him and will always love him…

With love, your love.

Daffodil Jealousy

I was sitting on a chair beside my window when a swallow sat upon my flower pot. The swallow had a yellow flower petal between it’s beak. I wondered where it came from. The swallow turned towards me and like magic I started seeing images that did not belong to my memory… I was seeing blurry and hearing things in echoes…

“I was in a garden full of flowers, from African Daisies to Yellow Bells… but only one type of flower attracted my attention. What was it called? It’s in the tip of my beak… it’s, it’s called a daffodil! Yes those extraordinary flowers are called daffodils. It was like the sun was shining more brightly, more happily on the daffodils…

I flew closer and decided to take a look around the garden. The red roses were in the entrance of the garden and I could almost say they were dancing in the wind proudly. I nodded my beak to say hello but the red roses ignored me. I looked at the direction they were staring at jealously… of course the daffodils. There was a yellow daffodil between all of the white daffodils… she was singing and all the flowers and even the bugs were listening…

When the song ended, a strong wind blew through the garden. I was on top of a tree but even I got shivers.The red roses starting making jokes about how the yellow daffodil sang like a frog, but much to their dismay the yellow daffodil sang like no one else. All of the flowers in the garden were mesmerized.

I could memorize the song, I could hum all day long but what I just heard can not be imitated. I was lost for tweets.  I was back to my senses when a human started walking through the garden… He stood in front of the yellow daffodil and pulled it out of it’s roots. I couldn’t breathe, the daffodil and it’s song was burried into history. The yellow daffodil lay unconscious in his hands… he sniffed and threw it on the ground. When he left I landed beside the yellow daffodil. She was looking at me with a faint smile… even then she was so beautiful. She said, “You never forget the ones that leave early…””