Unrequited Love

I started writing a journal yesterday and I never once mentioned your name. You are the secret I keep even from my dear diary… I’ve talked to and about other people but your name is a sin… it’s the unspoken secret affair.

Everything changes when love enters the picture… along with heartache and groundless happiness. They are the best of friends!

Loving you…

At first it’s like… Opening your eyes to a garden full of flowers… mostly red roses and they sing in a whisper. Oh, how your voice always brings me joy!

A little time later it’s like… Pulling two ends of a string. Pulling, pulling and pulling to only break it. Never have I ever felt such a strong tension.

Some days it’s like… Waking up to a cloudy winter morning with a smile on.

When I’m alone it’s like… Looking out of the window every night into the empty porch.

When I’m lost it’s like… Searching for a familiar face in a crowd of strangers.

When everything is cold and bitter it’s like… Putting on gloves in autumn.

When I miss you it’s like… Suffocating by the dust of yesterdays and the glitter of tomorrows.

In the end it’s always like… Your voice echoing, “It’s not too late to start again”.

So I thought maybe, if I don’t mention your name, your reality will only stay in my day-dreams and I’ll only whisper your name when I’m alone.

 

 

 

Poison

I have a blank canvas I was keeping just for you. I’m adding and stirring paints just to get your color. I’m not sure what color the background should be. Which color suits you? All these different paints and nothing describes you best like… the color of poison.

Why do I keep looking for you in places you’ve never even been to? The Golden Horn is loud and crowded but I feel it’s peaceful with the thought of you here… So cancel all of your plans and visit the places I’m bound to travel without your footsteps following… Save me… Add color to my journey…

Make promises only if you’ll keep it. Take my photograph when I’m smiling… but know that I’ll never smile like that if you leave. It’s just sad asking you to visit only to know you’ll have to leave… But aren’t we all visitors? We just choose to stay longer in places that we can’t escape…

But why would I stay here when I’ve got this fire inside of me? All the flames of the world can not blaze me … not as much as your love…

Broken Promises

It’s so hard swallowing back the things I don’t want to admit out loud… It’s so hard deleting the old pictures… It’s so hard moving on when I’m staying behind and breathing the same air when I was with him… The most broken thing of all is that it hurts so bad that he gave up on me, moved on…

It’s like walking the same path every day to reach a familiar place… I changed my path but I’m going to the same destination… Why?… Every minute it’s harder to walk, it feels longer, tiring, darker and scarier… Will I ever see another daylight?

Nothing can disentangle my mornings from my nights anymore… The next tomorrows are colder and the past yesterdays are just fading away. I only remember the kisses in between our fights and promises… Now broken promises.

Here I am wasting time in front of our scattered memories. Trying to pick the ones I don’t want to forget. I’ll save them in a diary and drown with the rest of them… Bubbles of horror… I’m alone, helpless and swallowed by your silence…

Faded Background Noises

I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to stay behind when everyone is leaving. I don’t know how to embrace silence when every part of me wants to scream…

Sometimes time feels slow and easy, sometimes it’s fast and a blur. It’s all about feelings and memorable places. Jazz or classical, music makes every place seem beautiful.

Not every memory is as vivid as yesterday. Not every memory is a happy one. Not every memory is worth remembering. Not every memory is worth forgetting. Not every memory is ours…

It takes two to create memories… it takes only one split to burn them all…

Listen… Maybe I can’t forget you now but soon you’ll only be the faded background noises and nothing more…

Our Garden

It was an old story, ours… It started off just like any… Unlike most fairytales there was no “and they lived happily ever after…” ending. It was more like, “So long and thanks for all the memories”…

 
One spring afternoon when I was attending an art gallery you passed by. No “Hi”, no “Hello”… Maybe you didn’t see me… I isolated myself in the corner. Just as you were passing by again, I turned my back to avoid eye contact. You saw me and chuckled just as you would. This time I had no escape. I turned around to meet your mischievous eyes. Some feelings don’t die…

After a cup of tea, I gave in to your easiness and warm company. You asked so many questions I didn’t want to answer. Even though it was sincere, one of your many questions didn’t receive a correct answer… you asked how I was and I said fine… even though everything was falling apart. I wonder if you’ve lied to me as well…

I don’t know where you are now… I don’t know if you’re happy like the last time I saw you… I don’t know if you still remember me…

But I’d like to imagine an ending to our story… Maybe one day we’ll run into each other in a garden just like the first time we met… Some gardens grow happiness, others just plain flowers…

That’s why I will always look for you in gardens happiness grows…

Chaotic

We are a part of a world ruled by order, but we’re too chaotic (for them)… One would say we’re unoccupied when all we do is be ourselves. Isn’t that what freedom is? To be able to talk about our passion?

We are recklessly beautiful and they don’t see it. All they do is judge us with the most unimportant details. We strive to show our real side, but they just turn away their faces. 

Mask on, we’re the eye of the public, mask off, a villain… a threat to the society! Who are we? What do we do? We’re human, don’t you know?

Like a machine that gives an object a shape… the society is enforcing us to be something we aren’t. Who are we? What do we do? THEY DO NOT KNOW!

Our innocence is lost, our happy days are over. I am constantly scared. Who am I? What do I do? They don’t understand me…

Don’t you know? Being real has it’s price…

Maybe

Maybe I was wrong about you… We put on masks and we hide behind lies. Time is a light when it comes to people, unmasks all the dirt and the secrets. I had the chance to see all your traits and tricks. You hid all the good ones behind your mask… Why?

Maybe it takes three to feel lonely. She was my friend, since when do you find her interesting?

Maybe my dreams did turn into dust after all. Recipe for a heartbreak? Just put all of our pictures in a bucket and burn them alive. Memories can turn into ashes. Don’t bother scattering them on seas we swum in…

Maybe innocence was really lost. When was the last time you felt a change? Don’t deny it, you changed, so did I… I changed within reason but you changed within changes…

Maybe life didn’t actually give me lemons. Life only gave me misery and sorrow, only to never take them back…

Maybe I took the wrong shortcut. I thought I could reach you, now I’m further away…