Waiting

Waiting here outside in the rain so late,
Trying to figure out why you don’t get it,
It’s been two whole months I’m trying to say it,
Two whole months…. I’m trying to say it….

With you or without you,

I will continue living through,

With you… My heart doesn’t ache.

Without you… My life is fake.

I’m waiting outside your door,
Waiting for you to give more and more,
Hoping that you still care,
Where’s the old you? This isn’t fair!

This isn’t the place I met you,
This isn’t the place I walked through,
I’m walking down,
Down the street, feeling down,
Maybe I’ll get to see the moon,
It’s a dark night ending too soon.

I’ve been telling you,
Everything isn’t you,
I don’t want you back,
It’s time for me to pack…

Once again sitting in the park we met,
That unforgettable night, the rain left us wet,
Now I’m back home day-dreaming,
Waiting for you to call, breaking and crying,
I’m still outside waiting for you to come,
But no, I want you, not anymore…

(Poetry mash-up from 2010)

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Numb

Where am I? The sheets are cold and I can’t move a muscle… Perspiration all over my skin… Worry in my eyes, scanning everything around… Heart beats quickening… Swallow the less crazy words before you scream out the real crazy questions…

Do you ever wake up numb?… Like you’re chained to your bed… Like you don’t belong to that place… Like someone dragged you there in the middle of the night… But I live alone!

When will I start waking up sane? When will this pain between my lungs disappear? I lose hope with every other faded sunrise… When will I leave this dark place?

How many more hours of operation does it take to mend a broken heart? Please tell me… will I get better? Some said, “Share your worries with the seas.”… Why can’t I feel better when I’ve been screaming my worries from mountain tops?!

Another day… another feeling of not belonging to your own hometown… When will I leave this sickening place? Shut doors and oxygen masks… When will I hear the birds?

Yellow flowers by my bed… Is there a visitor? No… It’s not for me… It’s for the girl in this hospital bed trying to fight her demons… I’ve already lost that battle…

Inner Beauty

I lost my hope on a rainy day,

You found it’s pieces yesterday,

Your silence is a broken glass under my feet,

You’re the pearl I found under a summer heat.

 

Pebbles, shells & lots of sand,

I fell down & you stretched your hand.

Just like the fallen leaves on an autumn day,

Caught up with the wind dancing in a different way.

 

Lost in the forest of lonely souls,

Where the beauty of nature calls.

I saw a bright light in you long time ago,

A beauty that I just couldn’t possibly let go.

 

Every step I took, it went far away,

I just stood there to find a way,

The more it ran, the more I chased,

The more it shone, the more I stood there amazed.

 

You’ve been through betrayal & hate,

Death took him but I’m here mate,

You inspired me with your inner beauty,

I can only repay you with my loyalty.

 

07.01.2013

Away

Your fragrance, your touch, your voice and your gaze… I’m familiar with all of these but I still can’t get used to the idea of you being away from me…

Believe me… Without you… Istanbul doesn’t have a Bosphorus, it can’t swallow the bitterness of our longing…

Every time you leave… you steal nothing but the memory dusts of the places we’ve been to and the possibility of the air around us being intertwined as we breathe.

Do other people count days? Is it something only detached lovers do?

When you’re away, everything is bland. No flowers, no letters, no hellos.

Every song, every melody I love… But my heart beats with a rhythm only sung by you.

Happiness, love and what not… But how many more reasons do you need to stay?

 

Daisy Innocence

How do you forgive someone who hurt you? How do you get rid of the things that cling to your soul? How do you blow the dust of your past? How do you exhale without breathing fire?

Every little detail, every little noteworthy moment… But is this all worth forgiving?

Daisy is the symbol of innocence and forgiveness to me.

So you can only hope that these daisies will fix us… No promises.

We rush everything, even forgiveness. Ungrateful as we are… we forget to be gentle to people with our most expected mistakes. Some mistakes are unforgettable and some are unforgivable…

Do you want to hear the good news first or the bad news?

If you can’t hear the good news first… then why do you say you are patient when you can’t even wait for your happy ending?

 

The One That Got Away

All the right signs for all the wrong assumptions… I loved my dreams and memories more than I loved the idea of him at the time… Hope is an ugly word for someone who doesn’t believe in their past self being right about the one that got away… 

What I needed wasn’t a confrontation… I really don’t need anybody’s second-hand worries. I just wanted what all the little girls wanted… love. Not the puppy kind but maybe I wouldn’t have said no to it at the time. Now I’m more into eternal kind… maybe it’s senseless but I guess it’s better to dream of being loved than being someone’s “last night’s hunt”. 

On second thought I don’t “want” love, I’m asking for love… to be sensible and to fix all the broken hearts or just replace it with plastic flowers. Everything else dies eventually…

Q: What is one thing that you would like to change about yourself?

If I could change one thing about myself, that would be my attitude. Everyone has a different attitude towards life, some of them are cowards, others are sticking to the rules but mine is a bit rude. Some would say that I am a strong, persistent and confident woman that takes no interest in objection. But underneath all of that fake strong woman aura, I’m just a spoiled brat. I want everything and I want them now!

So last month I started watching this new series in Netflix called Girlboss (it’s originally a book). I related to so many things and I felt sad every time the heroine failed. She was struggling in becoming an adult and her father felt like he should take care of her and she resisted and wanted to show her father that she is capable of being a business owner. Well I’m not going to spoil it for you but even if it’s just some comedy series, I learned a few things.

I wouldn’t change my attitude towards life immediately… I just want to learn how to change my life around so my attitude won’t seem so rude.