All the right signs for all the wrong assumptions… I loved my dreams and memories more than I loved the idea of him at the time… Hope is an ugly word for someone who doesn’t believe in their past self being right about the one that got away…
What I needed wasn’t a confrontation… I really don’t need anybody’s second-hand worries. I just wanted what all the little girls wanted… love. Not the puppy kind but maybe I wouldn’t have said no to it at the time. Now I’m more into eternal kind… maybe it’s senseless but I guess it’s better to dream of being loved than being someone’s “last night’s hunt”.
On second thought I don’t “want” love, I’m asking for love… to be sensible and to fix all the broken hearts or just replace it with plastic flowers. Everything else dies eventually…
If I could change one thing about myself, that would be my attitude. Everyone has a different attitude towards life, some of them are cowards, others are sticking to the rules but mine is a bit rude. Some would say that I am a strong, persistent and confident woman that takes no interest in objection. But underneath all of that fake strong woman aura, I’m just a spoiled brat. I want everything and I want them now!
So last month I started watching this new series in Netflix called Girlboss (it’s originally a book). I related to so many things and I felt sad every time the heroine failed. She was struggling in becoming an adult and her father felt like he should take care of her and she resisted and wanted to show her father that she is capable of being a business owner. Well I’m not going to spoil it for you but even if it’s just some comedy series, I learned a few things.
I wouldn’t change my attitude towards life immediately… I just want to learn how to change my life around so my attitude won’t seem so rude.
Love isn’t just a verb or a noun anymore… it’s a deep concept. For me, it’s the core of the universe. It’s what everything is built on. Relationships, raising kids, art, growing plants, all the hobbies in between the earth and the skies… and even money. We collect money to get what we love!.. We go through heart breaks to find our true love… We raise kids to spread love… We make art for/about love… We spend our leisure time doing what we love… Everything is based on love. Everything is connected.
When you ask who do you love?… I can count many people. I am easy with giving love. Who loves me? Unless they confess their feelings to me, well I wouldn’t know. All I know is, I have a sweet family and they love me indefinitely… but what matters is strangers that enter our lives… what made them love us? What makes us special? Do we deserve to be loved by that specific person? All those questions are nagging my brain.
What bothers me most is the question “why are we dealing with so many hatred when love is so easy to share?”. Love is indefinite, you can share it and you will never be out of love. Love has no expiration date. Love only ends when you restrict and convince yourself.
Drawing lines on words. Underlining words. Changing words. Adding words. Erasing words. Filling crosswords. You were good at all these things.
But above all, you were the best at one thing… Stealing words that weren’t yours.
Every word I learned, you added another one to the end each time. You taught me how sentences could be both senseless and so much more meaningful when found between the lines. You helped me see when all the letters changed places. You were there when I decided I didn’t wanted to hide anymore. But it was your words against mine at some point. You double crossed me and I made sure you regretted it.
If you’re a crossword puzzle then I am a maze.
The word was out that you left town. I was both happy and sad. Why? Simply because I was half expecting that it wasn’t true. You wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye… or would you?
The next week I saw you enter the bakery. I decided to walk past it before you saw me but unsuccessful… you called my name. I tried walking away but you pulled my forearm just in time. I had an angry expression and you had a sheepish look. You asked if I was alright but I didn’t reply. You asked if I was mad at you but I didn’t reply. You asked if I missed you and I laughed at your face. You were startled by my audacity. After a few seconds of silence I said, “Why did you come back?” and you lied, “To see you.”… I smiled and said, “Good, you can go now.” You stayed.
To everyone’s surprise I was the one who left town to never return… and I’m sure your side of the story is more true because tales always stay to live even if the hero leaves…