All the right signs for all the wrong assumptions… I loved my dreams and memories more than I loved the idea of him at the time… Hope is an ugly word for someone who doesn’t believe in their past self being right about the one that got away…
What I needed wasn’t a confrontation… I really don’t need anybody’s second-hand worries. I just wanted what all the little girls wanted… love. Not the puppy kind but maybe I wouldn’t have said no to it at the time. Now I’m more into eternal kind… maybe it’s senseless but I guess it’s better to dream of being loved than being someone’s “last night’s hunt”.
On second thought I don’t “want” love, I’m asking for love… to be sensible and to fix all the broken hearts or just replace it with plastic flowers. Everything else dies eventually…
If I could change one thing about myself, that would be my attitude. Everyone has a different attitude towards life, some of them are cowards, others are sticking to the rules but mine is a bit rude. Some would say that I am a strong, persistent and confident woman that takes no interest in objection. But underneath all of that fake strong woman aura, I’m just a spoiled brat. I want everything and I want them now!
So last month I started watching this new series in Netflix called Girlboss (it’s originally a book). I related to so many things and I felt sad every time the heroine failed. She was struggling in becoming an adult and her father felt like he should take care of her and she resisted and wanted to show her father that she is capable of being a business owner. Well I’m not going to spoil it for you but even if it’s just some comedy series, I learned a few things.
I wouldn’t change my attitude towards life immediately… I just want to learn how to change my life around so my attitude won’t seem so rude.
Love isn’t just a verb or a noun anymore… it’s a deep concept. For me, it’s the core of the universe. It’s what everything is built on. Relationships, raising kids, art, growing plants, all the hobbies in between the earth and the skies… and even money. We collect money to get what we love!.. We go through heart breaks to find our true love… We raise kids to spread love… We make art for/about love… We spend our leisure time doing what we love… Everything is based on love. Everything is connected.
When you ask who do you love?… I can count many people. I am easy with giving love. Who loves me? Unless they confess their feelings to me, well I wouldn’t know. All I know is, I have a sweet family and they love me indefinitely… but what matters is strangers that enter our lives… what made them love us? What makes us special? Do we deserve to be loved by that specific person? All those questions are nagging my brain.
What bothers me most is the question “why are we dealing with so many hatred when love is so easy to share?”. Love is indefinite, you can share it and you will never be out of love. Love has no expiration date. Love only ends when you restrict and convince yourself.
Let’s find our lavender mystery… I could almost hear you asking, “Is that a place?”… It’s actually a concept. You’d probably say, “How will we find a concept?” This is how:
You’ll take your van and I’ll take my pillows.
You’ll wait for me under the haunted willows.
If I’m late, wait at the gate.
We both know this is our fate.
This isn’t some escape, we’re going on a treasure hunt! What treasure you say? A treasure so precious… so important… four letters and one move on your lips… time! Time? Time is both precious and important! But it’s not it, is it?
Then… love? But I’m not too sure… Love is a concept indeed but is it worth chasing? I know what you’d say! That… not all love is worth chasing but… then I’d say it’s always worth writing about!
What could the treasure be? Life? Life itself is a treasure… but how can we go after something that we are already featuring in? For all I know life is chasing us! … with it’s limited time and surprises… we are the chased ones!
Blue has four letters… and blue is the color of the sky! Sky is limitless, therefore chasing it would be pretty tiring. But it is not a concept… unless if we give it a meaning… it is the color of lavender! … and lavenders are mysterious! How you say?
Lavenders are mysterious because they are like one-sided lovers… they live during drought… they are strong like women… they can go on with or without water and most of all they are beautiful and they don’t even know that….
I met you in the winter of 2011. We weren’t very fond of each other at the time. We kept on discussing matters and disagreeing every time. At the time I thought we’d never be friends like that but ironically we were inseparable by the summer. We planned on meeting up but it was cancelled last-minute and so was my dreams. The more we talked, the more I started writing poems. In other words you were my source of inspiration.
Roses aren’t that beautiful without their thorns,
As the thorns protect them from predators,
Eyes only see pureness and an urge to kill,
Death has never been this heart-breaking or unfair.
Where are we now after 5 years? Continents apart. If I’d known going after my dreams meant being apart, I would’ve reconsidered most of my choices. Nowadays it isn’t that hard to keep in touch but what about the 9 hour time difference? Every day we don’t reminisce the old days, I feel like we are being forgotten by each other. What is time to a 5 years old child? What is the past to you? What is regret to me? In an infinity shaped maze there’s so many possibilities of me running into you. But what is the meaning of infinity when ours is just a gamma going into two different paths?